Today I am sharing something which many of us must have come across but not really shared with anyone due to the fear of being judged. Being a life and EQ Coach I always make sure that I do not disclose my clients identity or anything related to them. But today I am sharing something that can’t be explained without giving examples from my encountered with few of my clients.. So lets begin..
I am keeping their name and identity antonymous
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Therefore all of us need to remember that we accomplish great things if we look at problems face on rather than being held back by doubt and fear. I am sharing two examples who fought with their fear and came out as a winner.
Santosh is a 54 year old computer engineer at XYZ company, drives 130 km to work every day. One fine day while returning from office he met with an accident. As it was a minor accident, after a short rehabilitation he was fine physically but due to the trauma he remained injured mentally. He was terrified of driving but as he had no other option but to go to work, he braved it out as a car pool passenger. Mere thought of that accident used to disturb him.
Aruna is a 40 year old bank employee and mother of two. After 10 years of her blissful marriage she discovered that her husband is having an affair. She was so deeply hurt that she became the patient of paranoid disability disorder (PPD) . Someone who is always suspicious even when their is no reason to be. Despite her husband’s effort of making everything alright , she could not overcome the feeling of being cheated and became paranoid whenever he is out of sight. Due to all this her own life has come to standstill.
Can you tell me what is common in both the cases? Well, they both are trauma victims who are terrified by the fear of reoccurrence and always stayed in the feeling of helplessness.
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘ I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along” – Eleanor Roosevelt.
Traumas effects your life tremendously and shatters your belief and sense of safety. It is not always about trauma but also the fear that whatever happened will happen again. And when your fear takes away the place of trust you feel more vulnerable . And you feel if something like this happens again you will not be able to survive or will face an irreversible damage. Now this kind of anxiety can actually leads to withdrawal. And if it is exceptionally strong it can even lead to phobia, the ultimate form of avoidance.
The fear of reoccurrence can be devastating. In case of Aruna her anticipatory dread was so strong that even when her husband had to take late night calls, she would think he is lying and actually taking to a women. She was so terrified of other women that she stopped her husband from socializing. She even checked his phone to check his call history. If this continuous for long this paranoia of her can become the bigger threat to their marriage than her husband’s affair.
Now lets understand why does this happen? It is absolutely normal to feel bad or get upset if something unexpected and disturbing happens in your life. But the sooner you resume living, the less hurt you will be. But one needs to understand that being paranoid has it’s roots in early childhood. When a child has a trauma , such as falling from the stairs while climbing or hitting a wall while playing, he or she feels unprotected. If the parents make a big deal of something which is very tiny, that becomes a big deal even in child’s mind. They will feel that anything that upset’s mom and dad that much must be truly awful , so I better not to repeat it again. On the other hand if parents treats that trauma too lightly, the child could feel neglected or injured. In either case, the over obsession or feeling neglected is more frightening than the injury itself and can result in avoidance. So, when as an adult, a fresh trauma triggers the feeling, people generally protect themselves my forming a bubble around themselves or become obsessed by the fear of a reoccurrence.
“Nothing in life is to be feared, It is only to be understood “- Marie Curie
Therefore, smart parents comfort their traumatized child and encourage them to try it again before the fear becomes permanent. When the child climb the stairs without getting hurt, they learn to be resilient and will never fear to face the fear.
This is precisely what adults should also do when they are traumatized. Only by facing the fear, by getting on to the life and taking action, will help them to be more balanced and resilient. It is important that you start somewhere and take positive action before you surrender. In case of Santosh he took baby step, first he started driving on small streets, then to near by area before venturing to his office again.
In case of Aruna, she need to convince herself , first by acting it out as if she trust her husband. She should force herself to wish her husband a good trip when he goes out of town and should start attending gathering without clinging on him. Over a period of time if her husband proves himself trustworthy, she could do all of this for real and can get on with her life.
Suggestions to overcome fear
Understand that feeling vulnerable doesn’t make you weak. Accept the fear and take action to overcome that.
Accept that everything that happens cannot be controlled or prevented. So face it as and when they occur.
Realize apprehensions and avoidance cannot be the solution to any problem.
Resume your life as soon as possible. Take small steps but make sure you take.
Identify those people whom you can trust and those who are positive in life.
Take each action aiming to reduce fear.
Be resilient, give positive affirmation to yourself for example, if you can survive the trauma , then you can face anything in life and will come out as a winner.
To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.” – Bertrand Russel
Disclaimer: Views expressed in this post are personal and for reading purposes only. They’re not medical advice. Each individual’s experience may vary. Please consult a professional if you need help.
This Post is part of Blogchatter’s #CauseAChatter