Don’t Let Others Control Your Life #MentalHealth

Few days back I came across something very fascinating that perturbed me to the core. Have you heard about Alice In the wonderland syndrome? Yes you read it write. Yes, it is about Alice In the wonderland story and to be more precise one of the character Cheshire Cat, who would alternate between visible and invisible while its smile would always remain. Will explain you about this syndrome with a help of an example for a better clarity.

Megha, 32-year-old HR professional, consider herself “the queen of people-pleasures”. why? Well, Megha smiled through all her relationships be it with her parents, bosses, friends and lovers. Mostly HR shares love-hate relationship with the employees but she was admired and appreciated by each and every one in her organization. She cared so much about what others would think and feel about her that she lost a track of herself. It is like you have given the key to your self-esteem to other people’s opinions and each time they can pull that up or down based upon their own whims and fancies. She was tired, exhausted and in complete stress. But was not aware what was causing this and that’s when she decided to go for a therapy.

She was always happy whenever she is surrounded by people who matters to her but now, in therapy, her face was twisted with pain. She hardly remembers anything about her childhood but remember other people quite vividly. She was able to recall when her Mom or Dad seemed happy or sad, enthused or exhausted, cheerful or angry but vaguely about her own emotions.

Do You know WHY?

This is because as a child, she has learned , that the way to feel safe is to do whatever made an angry dad smile or a depressed mom happy and how not to make them angry or depressed. Rather than focusing on her sense of growth, life or capabilities her efforts go into making her home a safe and a happy place to live. As a result, her happiness depends upon how others feel about her. She lost her own identity and that can be very fatal in long run.

When we are too much concern about other people’s desire, like and dislikes and carry it into the adulthood, there is a possibility of developing a weak personality that can be shaken by anyone. Such people can get into prove-show-hide-please personality, where in, you are just trying to please and prove others, show that you are worthy and try hiding unpleasant truths which leads to more and more stress.

Why You Get Into Prove-Show-Hide-Please Personality?

When you put all your efforts to please others and your motivation is only to prove others, you stop believing in yourself. You always wait for other’s validation and acknowledgement. Showing yourself to be worthy does not come from a happy place it comes from your deep-rooted anger and hurt. It is a response to the perception that others don’t believe you and you have to constantly demonstrate your authenticity.

The impulsion to hide something comes from fear, fear of being misunderstood or being unforgiven. You become defensive of being attacked, especially when you make a mistake. You not only live a secret life but you hide your true feelings and true personality not only from others but from yourself too. You want to please others because you want to feel accepted and loved.

Not sure how many of you would agree with me, but most of us to a certain extent link our well-being to the mood of another person, especially in a close relationship. We do it unintentionally or unconsciously and can rationalize living that way for a while, hoping to come back to our own life one day. But if we take it too long in realizing, we might just loose our way forever.

Now Let’s talk about how to deal with it and what actions need to be taken

  • Rate yourself on the scale of 0 to 10, where do you stand when it comes to Prove-Show-Hide-Please personality type. How much energy are you putting in, in order to prove others. If it is 0 it’s none and if 10, it’s all. Similarly, do it for show, hide and please and see where do you stand.
  • If the sum of all four is 20, you are probably living more for others than yourself.
  • Read about Stephen covey theory “circle of concern Vs circle of control”. Remember you cannot control what people think about you but you can definitely have a full control on what you think or do about your life. You have very little power to make others happy and none to keep them happy, so why putting yourself in a situation that can affect you negatively.
  • Speak your mind out by being assertive. Being honest about your feelings can make you come across as a very sorted person, no one will dare to take advantage of you and can keep you at peace with yourself.
  • Monitor your follow through by rating yourself once a month, as in step one.

Don’t forget ” You cannot live for others without losing your self”.

Steps To Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself #MentalHealth #CauseAChatter

I am a failure, life has been unfair to me, I deserve only bad things in life, these are some of the examples, when a person feels sorry for himself/herself. Self pity feeds on itself. When we reckon a sorrowful image and a lack of faith, things tend to go wrong, which will give you more reasons to feel sorry for yourself. It is a vicious cycle and if it continuous long enough, you run the risk of appearing pathetic and miserable.

But do you think people get trapped in this kind of behavior voluntarily? of course not. Life is not easy , in face it is not meant to be easy. I know this is the last thing one like to here when you are in the midst of self pity. You don’t get what you deserve, relationships ends, and life becomes a struggle. There can be multitude of things that don’t go the way you want them to so it’s quite natural to feel sorry for ourselves.

And when so much is going on in life, its absolutely Ok to have the blues for a while, in fact, it is important to feel the emotion instead of suppressing it. However, it becomes a problem when you get stuck in self pity and it becomes your default action.

But when you get stuck in this kind of feeling it means that you are following the path of nerve learning from your mistakes and at the same time you ate stopping yourself from being empowered.

Do you know if you get trapped in this kind of mind set for a long period of time there is a great amount of possibility of leading thyself into some kind mental health conditions which can be really matter and life threatening.

Even more alarming; recently I have read an article written in The Independent states that says, self pity can be as bad for your heart as smoking 20 cigarettes a day!

Self pity, is not an emotion in itself; it’s a state of mind. It happens when you focus too much on your own problems and believe you are a victim of circumstance. This mental focus leads you to feel negative emotions like sadness, anxiety, hurt, jealousy, hatred and helplessness.

The best part is that their are numerous ways that one can adopt in order to change this mindset. Earlier you work on it, better it is for yourself and for people around you.

When a person tries to see the glass half empty instead of seeing it half full, the glass will get drier and drier. Feeling sorry for oneself has become a common problems which can diffuse only pain. It could be a product of your past, like you being a victim of child abuse, or neglected by parents or it could be a recent tragedy such as the death of loved ones, financial setbacks or it could be something to do with your unchangeable personal characteristics like being fat or ugly. Some people are chronic self pitiers, they just find some new reason to feel sorry for themselves, for such people there sentences start from “If only..”.

I agree this kind of behavior could be comforting for a while and can distract you for sometime but can have negative long term effect, wherein people start avoiding you, you might loose respect and they might not expect much from you. Stuck in the past for too long will not let you create a better future.

So now lets focus on what can you do to overcome this behavior which can be lethal

Set By Step Solution

  • Try to identify what triggers you and learn to recognize when you are feeling sorry for yourself.
  • Be more compassionate towards yourself and express the emotion without the fear of being judged.
  • Convince yourself that it is a waste of time and energy and other are getting benefitted from it and your own people will go through the same pain.
  • Change the inner question from why to what. Instead of why is this happening to me or why did he do that? ask what can I do different to overcome thus situation?
  • Try to perceive things differently, instead of seeing the glass of water half empty, see it as a half full. Our perception creates our reality and by changing our viewpoint, we are able to change any experience.
  • Indulge yourself in some kind of social work, do something for underprivileges people. This can make you aware about your standing in the society and you will know how blessed you are. Remember you can’t feel pride and self pity at the same time
  • Make a list of things you are grateful for…gratitude journal.
  • Join a support group and you will realize you are not alone.

“Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belong to you”. ~ LAO TZU

This Post is a part of Blogchatter’s #CauseAChatter Program.

Saying Yes When You Want To Say No- Is This Affecting You Mentally? #CauseAChatter #MentalHealth

“My unhappiness was the unhappiness of a person who could not say no.” – Dazai Osamu

Many of us have a fear of being judged, rejected or disliked if we share what we really feel. And saying No is one such thing that doesn’t come easily. Probably because we want to please everyone to the point that we feel completely stressed out. Rejection is one of the biggest reasons why people find difficult to say No. They feel if they say No they might disappoint people and might come across as a rude or appear unkind.

I feel one does this as he or she is not sure about herself or himself. It is an indication of low self confidence and self belief. So what one should do? Remember few things :

Saying No doesn’t mean you are a bad person

Value yourself more than anyone else

How important is it to say “Yes”. How many of you doubted your decision after saying yes for something? And then how many of you thought of different ways to get out of it? I am sure most of you. Think about the kind of stress and resentment you must have gone through. Wouldn’t it be must easier to say no in the first place?

I have gone through a feeling of anguish, stress and resentment not just once but many times and realized its not worth it.

If you are able to answer these pointers, things will become much more easier.

But it is not as simple as it sounds. It is quite deep rooted. As a child, saying No to elders considered as inappropriate and impolite. If you said no to your mom, dad, teachers or grandparents you would most certainly considered to be rude , so saying no would be off limits and yes was the polite and likable thing to say. As we grow we become more mature and know what is good or bad and how to react in different situations. Therefore, saying No should not be difficult. But sadly, the impact of things that we learn and experience in our childhood is so strong and deep rooted that we continue believing in things which are not right or relevant.

Therefore, it is important that one value their own opinions over others. If you look for other person’s approval you would never be able to decide anything by yourself and will remain unhappy and unsatisfied.

What happens when you say Yes, when you want to say No

It leads to frustration and stress and makes you an unhappy person.

It might injure your self esteem and pulls down your self confidence.

It might be an end of a promising partnership and a once beautiful friendship.

It might lead to an unsatisfied person who doesn’t not value himself/herself.

You might fail in managing time as you will get into things that are neither important nor urgent.

Being able to say “no” without fear or “yes” without resentment is a common dilemma. Unable to say “no” can actually lead to a toxic relationship and frustration will reach to a breaking point which one could avoid, if one learn to say “no”. When you cannot say “no” without resentment, it’s time to say stop!

Tips that help you in saying no

Realize that not wanting to go along doesn’t make you stubborn, mean or defiant.

Understand that not saying no can be taken as yes and can reinforce the unwanted behavior.

Always be direct , such as ‘no I can’t’ or’ I don’t want to’. Do not leave any ambiguity in your communication.

Do not give reasons for saying no, speak your mind without any hesitation.

Do not lie, that may lead to guilt and can make you feel worse.

Practice saying no with people who will understand you. This will get you feeling a lot more comfortable with saying no.

Do not give excuses like, I will let you know, as this may prolonged the situation and make you feel even more stressed.

Learning to say no will give you a feeling of freedom and empowerment.

“Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself” ~Sonya Parker

This Post is a part of Blogchatter’s #CauseAChatter Program.

Mind-Body Approach To Manage Chronic Pain #MentalHealth #CauseAChatter

Recently I have come across people who are suffering from chronic pain from decade and it is quite heartening to listen to their stories. And that’s when I have decided to understand what chronic pain is and how one can deal with it. And to my surprise the brain and central nervous system play a much more significant role in chronic pain than we once thought.

Let’s first understand what chronic pain is all about?

Pain that lasts beyond 6 months and negatively affects person’s well-being is what chronic pain is all about. So basically the pain that continuous when it should not be and leads to other health conditions like anxiety and depression, resulting in a low health-related quality of life.

I believe most of us will or would have been faced pain in our lives, be it physical or emotional, caused by illness or an unhappy moments. So what you would have done? Many of us must have avoided it which is good as when you experience pain your brain signals you to stop doing whatever is causing the pain, preventing further harm to your body. But remember pain is not meant to last for long but if it does it could be physically and emotionally stressful. Chronic pain changes the levels of stress hormones and neurochemicals within your brain and nervous system that can lead to change in mood, thinking and behavior.

Let’s talk about the impact of Chronic pain in people’s daily life.

People who are suffering from chronic pain are increasing at super sonic speed and so does the number of opioid prescriptions, surgeries, and the doctor’s visit. Economic cost of chronic pain is skyrocketing and the impact on the individual is just as severe. The study shows that, on an average, people suffering from chronic pain earn 37% less than the someone not and are more prone to severe mental health conditions. Chronic pain can disrupts people’s daily life to a great extent. It can affect their ability to function at home and work and that impact people around them in a large way. Participation in social activities and hobbies could be interrupted which could lead to decreased self esteem. There are lot of other problems like fatigue, sleep disruption, lack of focus, loss of appetite and mood fluctuations. All these negative changes in the lifestyle can lead to increase in pain and low confidence and all this can result in depression and anxiety.

What can be done?

There are many therapies that are available, but none of them work in isolation. There is always a combination of two or more therapies that can be adopted to achieve better results and can be more effective.

Talk Therapy: Talk therapy is basically psychological counselling, where you pour your emotions out and will be helped without having the fear of being judged.

Mindfulness: This helps you to calm down, in which ever way works for you. It could be music, smell, art etc.

Cognitive behavioral Therapy: Helps you in facing the fear instead of avoiding it and teaches you to cope up with the pain you are going through. CBT treatment usually involves efforts to change thinking and behavioral patterns. 

Occupational Therapy: This therapy teaches you how to do everyday task differently to reduce the pain which has indirect impact on your pain.

Physical Therapy: Physical therapy involves exercises that stretch and strengthen your body, which can help reduce your pain. Yoga is one of the best form of exercise which works wonderfully well in this scenario.

Medication: Depression affects your brain, so drugs that work in your brain may prove beneficial. Common antidepressants may help ease your symptoms.

Guided Meditation: Meditation is a relaxing techniques  that helps in achieving mental, emotional and physical healing and stress relief.

Touch Therapy: Touch therapy like Reiki uses touch to change energy fields in your body.

How to make sure these therapies really work?

In parallel to medications and therapies, it is highly imperative to make lifestyle changes. Things to avoid and adopt.

  • Avoid alcohol
  • Avoid smoking
  • Avoid unnecessary stress
  • Adopt healthy diet
  • Adopt regular exercising
  • Adopt support group to learn from other people with similar conditions
  • Adopt time management skills
  • Adopt good habits, like positive thinking and sleeping on time.

Lets discuss step by step strategy to come out of endless loop of chronic pain.

Step 1. Identify the clues that your body gives when you are in pain. For example sweaty palms, neck and shoulders tighten etc.

Step 2. Identify your trigger points and try to walk away from that. For example if you don’t like someone try to avoid their company. This step will give you time to move to your next step.

Step 3. Indulge in relaxing therapy that is mind body techniques like deep breathing, splashing cold water on your face or drinking water or do a guided meditation.

Step 4. Once your body and mind calms down identify your feelings and needs. What are you longing for. Is it love, support, compassion from others or it could be as simple as food or sleep.

Step 5. Now this is a crucial step as now it’s a time to take action. If you know what you need, satisfy them and if you know what you want to feel, fulfill those feelings. But do all these in writing so that you can keep yourself accountable.

These steps might work but as they are just steps and not rules you are free to make changes that suits you.

There are many people who are suffering from these chronic pains and not even aware about it. So as a healthy community we need to help each other in understanding this better and empathizing with the sufferers.

This Post is a part of Blogchatter’s #CauseAChatter Program.

This blog post is part of the blog challenge ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’ hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla.

Holding A Grudge Can Affect Your Mental Health #MentalHealth #CauseAChatter

One of the most common self-defeating behavior I have come across is holding a grudge against others. Despite our best intentions, when push comes to shove, not forgiving and not forgetting is what we end up doing. The most sound advice we hear from people is “forgive and forget” but is very difficult to live up to. Am I right?

So when you find difficult to forgive someone just remember this saying from Mahatma Gandhi, – “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” I am sure this will definitely hurt your ego and you would be propel to forgive and forget.

Everything said and done for some people, holding a grudge may be the first step in accepting and acknowledging their feelings to themselves and to the person who they feel wronged them.

Why do people hold a grudge?

When they feel someone has let them down. However, it may be justifiable to be upset or resentful but a healthier approach may be to address the situation head-on with the person in question, especially as misunderstandings or misplaced expectations are often the roots of these issues.

But whatever the intentions or the cause of resentfulness, holding a grudge can end up hurting you as much as the person who caused it. Therefore, it is important to learn how one can begin to let go of their grudges and cope with the anger. Holding a grudge can effect physical, emotional, mental and social wellbeing of the person.

The more you try to remember, the more traumatic the whole experience would be and can completely destroy your mental peace. Also remember you may think that remembering you past hurt will keep you guarded from getting hurt again but your wariness can make you so uptight and guarded that others find it takes too much effort to deal with you. You could end up safe but alone.

How holding a grudge affects mental health?

Not forgiving is as good as continuing to blame. It can be considered as powerful defence mechanism where in, you find a target for your anger and frustration. It does protect you from owning your flaws but making your problems someone else’s fault leaves you in a passive position. You may feel good as you have exempted yourself from the responsibility, however at the same time it is keeping you away from taking steps to remedy your situations. Nurturing negative feeling makes you more exposed to more unpleasant emotions and thoughts, which can poison your mindset toward negativity. When a person exaggerates his or her feeling to an extent that the act of holding a grudge becomes more painful than the event itself. Build-up resentments can lead to many mental health concerns like:

  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Self-Harm
  • Emotional Dysregulation
  • Suicidal

What kind of people have more tendency to hold grudges?

People who are more vulnerable towards jealousy, sensitivity, immaturity, negativity, and impulse control may be more apt to hold grudges. Cultural, lifestyle, parenting, environmental, genetic, and other factors may also contribute to an individual person’s tendency to hold resentments as well.

What kind of people are less likely to hold grudges?

Those who are more empathetic, resilient, have a better ability to self-regulate, and have stronger coping skills are less likely to hold grudges. Even certain lifestyle habits, including regular exercise, can also make you more forgivable and flexible.

“Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note- torn in two and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one”. – Henry Ward Beecher

We forgive when we no longer need to blame, we forget when we no longer need to remember…You agree?

Action plan to letting go grudges

  • Ask yourself what not forgiving and forgetting is costing you.
  • Acknowledge what the other person did wrong and what you would accept from him/her.
  • Ask yourself how you might have contributed to the problem.
  • Determine what you need to learn to prevent nasty experience again.
  • Move on in life.

Ways to letting go grudges

  • Be empathetic
  • Acceptance
  • Practice any form of exercise
  • Meditation
  • Self-care
  • Self-appreciation
  • Lean conflict management techniques
  • Start journalizing your feelings
  • Surround yourself with supportive and positive people

“To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it”.

 ‘This blog post is part of the blog challenge ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’ hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla.’

This post is part of Blogchatter’s #CauseAChatter

How To Stay Positive And Be Proud Of Yourself In Life #MentalHealth #Itsmychoice

With all the goals I have accomplished in life, whether big or small, personal or professional, I am really proud of all of them. There were times when I had a brief moments of doubt, whether I am doing it right or not but, not because I wasn’t sure but because my decision could have impacted many lives.

But at the end what matters is, whatever you do, you need to be happy only then you can make others happy. I am sure most of you will agree with me on this. Even the most mundane achievement can lead you to exceptionally content places in life. I seriously feel, we should never underestimate ourself. Every accomplished of mine led to where I am today and don’t you think that’s enough to be proud of?

No matter where you are and what you do, people are here to judge you, assess you and evaluate you for anything and everything. But these things should not matter if you are convinced with your decisions.  It’s your choice and be proud of it. Each goal you attain is worthy of celebration, especially when it takes you closer to your dreams in life.

When  I say I am proud of myself that is not just confined to my career choices but the way I have over come certain setback in my life too. A lot of people think that you can be only proud of yourself when you have accomplished something but we all know that  success means different to different people. So being proud of ourself is not contingent upon reaching some external standard of success, rather it is an internal state that arises when you feel good about who you are and what you have achieved.

As a coach and a trainer it gives me immense pleasure when I aid my clients in improving their relationships, careers, and day-to-day lives. I help them in clarifying their goals, identifying the obstacles that is holding them back and assist them in identifying various strategies to overcome them. And while doing this somewhere unconsciously I am helping myself in becoming a better person as every day there is a learning.

But is it easy to stay positive and happy all the time? No Not really. What about the times when you mess up things? What about when you are just not feeling proud of yourself? But the good news is, there are things that can keep you sane and things you can do to help turn that around.

6 Ways To Stay Positive

Focus on your positive qualities

Keeping positive qualities as a focal point can lead to both psychological and physical well being. It keeps you motivated and do not let you distract. It gives you the strength not to give up if you encounter difficulties along the way. It makes you look at failure and problems as blessings in disguise.

Engage in things that make you feel good

Do what you like. So if you carry out things what makes you happy it help you to stay positive. So everything is interrelated. When you are taking care of yourself and doing things you enjoy, it is hard not to feel a sense of pride.

Do not compare yourself

Remember each one of us are on our own journey and comparing your own progress to someone else’s is only going to make you feel worse. So focus on your own journey and be proud of the person you are.

Positive self talk

Pat your back and remind ourself that you have survived a lot of things in life that’s worth acknowledging. Not many people comes out of their challenges and setbacks stronger and the fact that you  didn’t let those setbacks defeat you is more than enough to be proud of.

Learn from your mistakes

When a person does mistakes, it shows a lot about their growth and the lesson’s they have learned along the way. When you learn from your failures and try your best to avoid repeating them, it says a lot about you and your personal development.

Be helpful

I am not boosting myself but one of the quality that made me a coach and a trainer is being selfless. We live in a selfish world and when we show act of kindness and compassion, you show other’s that there are hope and love amidst the darkness.

Doing all of these will give you a sense of happiness and make you feel content.

“This post is written for IT’S MY CHOICE Blog Train by Gleefulblogger & Wigglingpen ( in association with ) Vedix & Kerala Ayurveda

This post is part of Blogchatter’s #CauseAChatter

How Higher Self-Efficacy Helps In Better Mental Health? #Mental Health #CauseAChatter #CampusToCorporate

Pexels /Canva

According to Albert Bandura, a social cognitive psychologist, self-efficacy is defined as:

The belief in one’s capabilities to organize and execute the courses of action required to manage prospective situations.

Self-efficacy is about your belief in your abilities in dealing with different situations. It is very important to understand how self-efficacy impacts the mental health of a student, in specific. It plays a vital role in your life, as it not just affects the way you feel about yourself but also how successful you will be in your personal and professional life. It has a huge impact on your psychological state, behavior as well as on motivational level.

Continue reading “How Higher Self-Efficacy Helps In Better Mental Health? #Mental Health #CauseAChatter #CampusToCorporate”

Positive Speaking and Mental Health Goes Hand In Hand #CauseAChatter #MentalHealth

Pic Courtesy/ Edit : Pexels / Canva

Would love to begin my post with inspiring positive quotes that I have come across and has become mantra of my life

“Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.”

“Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down.”

“You cannot control the behavior of others, but you can always choose how you respond to it.”(Roy T. Bennett)

I have always believed in the power of subconscious mind. The words we use in our mind often describes our life, our surroundings, our relationships and us. Therefore it is as important to keep an eye on our internal dialogue as on our spoken words. For example if you constantly utter self depreciating language in your internal dialogue, you are actually allowing the power of words to work against you. So our whole life depends upon words. Therefore, speak with mindfulness.

I am sure most of you heard yourself saying things like

Continue reading “Positive Speaking and Mental Health Goes Hand In Hand #CauseAChatter #MentalHealth”

A Purpose Driven Life Helps In Mental Peace #MentalHealth #CauseAChatter

What makes a life worth living for? Yes to make a life more meaningful, it has to have “PURPOSE”. In fact purpose guides decisions, influences behavior, shapes goals, offer a sense of direction and adds meaning to our lives and gives us mental peace that each one of us are craving for. A life without a purpose is a life where we don’t live we merely exist. Purpose be it small or big, conscious or unconscious, forms a fundamental of all human actions. The greatness of ones life depends upon what one lives for. If one wants to live well or act sensibly one needs to have purpose. Today people have everything to live with but nothing to live for as they lack purpose in life.

In relation to purpose their are two kinds of people, one who is externally motivated. They move from one contingent purpose to next. For example, while in school and college, they just want to pass. After that they want to get a job, once they get a job, their aim is to earn money and satisfy their needs, but once they enter a phase of life where they have everything and don’t have much expectations from life that’s when they begin to feel the pang of not having lived to a worthwhile purpose and might get into mental health issues. As someone rightly said, life becomes worth living, when their is a cause worth dying for. The second category of people are those who are self motivated, they take ownership of their life. They are few in numbers but are driven by self-embraced purpose. They understand that responsibility with accountability if practice with sustainability leads to credibility. They are responsive to external demands and do not get intimidated by external pressure.

So what category would you like to be in? I am sure the second one. Remember there are two known widespread epidemics, one is boredom and second one is depression. So if you don’t want to get caught in this clutter, try to find out your purpose in life.

Lets discuss purpose of life with respect to different aspects of life:

People who lead a purpose-less life are the ones who complains the most about not having time, are too busy as we say, ‘doing nothing’. And people who have identified their aim, never crib about not having time as they are busy doing what they are meant to be. Therefore if I say time is a function of purpose I won’t be wrong.

Consider life as a raw material, it has to be shaped into something significant through individual action. As the aphorism has it, ” Life is what God gives to us; personality, that is what we make of the life given to us, is what we give back to God”. Here individual action is, strength of character or will without which no good intention can be put to work and realized. How to we distinguish between good and bad and choose former? Is it not in relation to what we live for?

Discipline definitely remains one of the most important aspect of successful life and will do so forever. From the perspective of purpose-driven life, do’s and don’ts’ is the way to do what needs to be done. Not only does practice allow one to establish a positive action. It helps us train our minds and body and enables us to focus on our goals and to regulate our emotions.

Another aspect of purposeful life is practice what you believe in. Not only does practice allow one to establish a positive action. It helps us train our mind and body and enables us to focus on our goals and to regulate our emotions.

During pandemic things were difficult for most of us. But people with strong mindset and strong willed sailed through it as they knew how to create an opportunity and grab it too but people who felt intimidated are the one’s who took it as a treat and waited for the better days to come. If you are living a purposeless life you will feel weak and vulnerable as you will not know where life is taking you, so the more purposive we are the greater the control we have over ourselves and the greater our self control the clearer our sense of purpose. Therefore self mastery and self awareness reinforce each other and sustain purposiveness in life.

This Post is part of Blogchatter’s #CauseAChatter 

 

 

Do Not Let Fear Run Your Life # MentalHealth #CauseAChatter

Hi Everyone,

Today I am sharing something which many of us must have come across but not really shared with anyone due to the fear of being judged. Being a life and EQ Coach I always make sure that I do not disclose my clients identity or anything related to them. But today I am sharing something that can’t be explained without giving examples from my encountered with few of my clients.. So lets begin..

I am keeping their name and identity antonymous

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Therefore all of us need to remember that we accomplish great things if we look at problems face on rather than being held back by doubt and fear. I am sharing two examples who fought with their fear and came out as a winner.

Santosh is a 54 year old computer engineer at XYZ company, drives 130 km  to work every day. One fine day while returning from office he met with an accident. As it was a minor accident, after a short rehabilitation he was fine physically but due to the trauma he remained injured mentally. He was terrified of driving but as he had no other option but to go to work, he braved it out as a car pool passenger. Mere thought of that accident used to disturb him.

Aruna is a 40 year old bank employee and mother of two. After 10 years of her blissful marriage she discovered that her husband is having an affair. She was so deeply hurt that she became the patient of paranoid disability disorder (PPD) . Someone who is always suspicious even when their is no reason to be. Despite her husband’s effort of making everything alright , she could not overcome the feeling of being cheated and became paranoid whenever he is out of sight. Due to all this her own life has come to standstill.

Can you tell me what is common in both the cases? Well, they both are trauma victims who are terrified by the fear of reoccurrence and always stayed in the feeling of helplessness.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘ I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along” – Eleanor Roosevelt.

Traumas effects your life tremendously and shatters your belief and sense of safety. It is not always about trauma but also the fear that whatever happened will happen again. And when your fear takes away the place of trust you feel more vulnerable . And you feel if something like this happens again you will not be able to survive or will face an irreversible damage. Now this kind of anxiety can actually leads to withdrawal. And if it is exceptionally strong it can even lead to phobia, the ultimate form of avoidance.

The fear of reoccurrence can be devastating. In case of Aruna her anticipatory dread was so strong that even when her husband had to take late night calls, she would think he is lying and actually taking to a women. She was so terrified of other women that she stopped her husband from socializing. She even checked his phone to check his call history. If this continuous for long this paranoia of her can become the bigger threat to their marriage than her husband’s affair.

Now lets understand why does this happen? It is absolutely normal to feel bad or get upset if something unexpected and disturbing happens in your life. But the sooner you resume living, the less hurt you will be. But one needs to understand that being paranoid has it’s roots in early childhood. When a child has a trauma , such as falling from the stairs while climbing or hitting a wall while playing, he or she feels unprotected. If the parents make a big deal of something which is very tiny, that becomes a big deal even in child’s mind. They will feel that anything that upset’s mom and dad that much must be truly awful , so I better not to repeat it again. On the other hand if parents treats that trauma too lightly, the child could feel neglected or injured. In either case, the over obsession or feeling neglected is more frightening than the injury itself and can result in avoidance. So, when as an adult, a fresh trauma triggers the feeling, people generally protect themselves my forming a bubble around themselves or become obsessed by the fear of a reoccurrence.

Nothing in life is to be feared, It is only to be understood “- Marie Curie

Therefore, smart parents comfort their traumatized child and encourage them to try it again before the fear becomes permanent.  When the child climb the stairs without getting hurt, they learn to be resilient and will never fear to face the fear.

This is precisely what adults should also do when they are traumatized. Only by facing the fear, by getting on to the life and taking action, will help them to be more balanced and resilient. It is important that you start somewhere and take positive action before you surrender. In case of Santosh he took baby step, first he started driving on small streets, then to near by area before venturing to his office again.

In case of Aruna, she need to convince herself , first by acting it out as if she trust her husband. She should force herself to wish her husband a good trip when he goes out of town and should start attending gathering without clinging on him. Over a period of time if her husband proves himself trustworthy, she could do all of this for real and can get on with her life.

Suggestions to overcome fear

Understand that feeling vulnerable doesn’t make you weak. Accept the fear and take action to overcome that.

Accept that everything that happens cannot be controlled or prevented. So face it as and when they occur.

Realize apprehensions and avoidance cannot be the solution to any problem.

Resume your life as soon as possible. Take small steps but make sure you take.

Identify those people whom you can trust and those who are positive in life.

Take each action aiming to reduce fear.

Be resilient, give positive affirmation to yourself for example, if you can survive the trauma , then you can face anything in life and will come out as a winner.

To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.” – Bertrand Russel

Disclaimer: Views expressed in this post are personal and for reading purposes only. They’re not medical advice. Each individual’s experience may vary. Please consult a professional if you need help.

This Post is part of Blogchatter’s #CauseAChatter

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